Have you ever had such a boring day that you basically wanted to kill yourself ASAP? TTYL (going to die now). I know you’ve probably already had a stressful day. I can’t possibly deal with everyday mediocrity, doing pedantic, repetitive tasks day in and day out, getting up at the same time, coping with that annoying colleague, and getting by the day. How about you? Well, I am guessing you can’t either. So well, look no further. Dr. Po is here to brighten and lighten your day with 50 doses of pure, unadulterated silliness (I mean best dirty jokes, adult jokes whatever you called it)! Cheer up, sweetie! Everything is indeed going to be ok :)
11. (Girls having their period) You guys are the laziest people ever. Period!
12. Guy: Hey, Katie. How are you feeling today? Katie: Sexual
13. Doctor (Guy): Don’t move, this will hurt a bit. Me: Okay… Doctor: Well, good. I fu*ked your boyfriend last night.
14. Ex: Let’s order your boyfriend to take you out? Me: You want me to take him out?! Ex: Yes!! Use my phone! Take him out.
15. Mom: Pack your things! pack pack pack pack pack… Me: Okay, will do. Mom: pack pack pack pack.. Me: How’s your day? Mom: It’s good. It’s pack pack pack pack.
16. Me (At the club): Hey! Do you wanna dance? Girl (Alone at the corner): No, I don’t. Me: Why? Girl: farting.
17. Me: Hey! I made you some hot chocolate. Oh by the way, I happened to lose your wallet. Friend: YOU DID WHAT? Me: I made you some hot chocolate.
18. Roses are red, violets are red, my bed is red, and my phone is red. Oh my god! My room is on fire!
19. Oh gosh! A glass of wine has 3450 calories… Oh well, i never eat glass anyway.
20. Sometimes, I drink wine. My liver is so surprised…
21. My relationship is like gold. I don’t own any….
22. My tombstone engraving: I’m the sickest bitch around here and elsewhere.
23. Delivery guy: Hello, have you ordered a box of condoms. Girlfriend: Yay! (looking at me) Delivery guy: Would you like it to be bagged? Me: Yeah, she’s kinda ugly.
24. Is it rude to play house music to a homeless guy?
25. Girl: Hey! What’s up? Guy: My dick. Girl: :O
26. Math test: Marco has $1000 that he can spend on clothes. He spent $700 of them. How much money does he have now? Answer: Diamonds, bit*h.
27. Friend: Hey, how do I look? Me: With your eyes….
28. Me: ISCREAM ISCREAM ISCREAM Mom: Huh? Me: I SCREAMED!!!
29. Guy: Hey sexy. Girl: Hey! you’re so hot. Do you mind if I hit on you? Guy: Sure. Girl: (Slap)
30. Life is a ????. It’s soft, beautiful, and sensitive but then gets hard sometimes…
31. Mom: An apple a day keeps the doctor away… Me: Well, a glass of wine keeps the counsellor away. Mom:……
32. Friend: Is your USB broken? Me: It is because it did not have any gigs…
33. French guy: Moi, Moi, Moi! Me: Do you want to kiss me?
34. Friend (from Quebec): I hate queuing. I’m going to cut in line. Me: Go to back to QUE-BEC
35. Today’s mood: fabulously slutty and sexual…
36. Friend: I’m giving birth!!!!!! errgghhhhhhhhh Me: WHAT?! OMG! Friend: Oh okay. I just had a food baby. Her name is Nutella.
37. Me: Omg! A thief is into my house looking for money!!!! Omg!! Yay!! I must be rich.
38. Doctor: Hey, remember; don’t eat anything spicy. Girl: Ok. I know it’s not good for my health. Doctor: No, don’t eat anything, because you’re spicy….
39. Ex: Do you still find me pretty or ugly? Me: Both. Ex: Huh? Me: You’re pretty ugly.
40. Friend: (orders mac & cheese) Me: Impasta!
41. Mom: I ordered tomato soup! It’s my favourite. Me: really? Mom: I get every month at this time.
42. Friend: I just had the best phone sex of my life. Me: I just got hearing aids… bitch
43. I think my boss is gay. Every time I talk to him, he says “What an as*! What a ????!”
44. I feel so ugly now that I use ad blocker on my computer. Hot girls just don’t want me anymore.
45. Last night I had a look at my bank statement. It said, FU*K YOU.
46. Friend: yeah, I’ve studied business. I mean busyness.
47. Friend: Be an adult! Me: Just kidding!
48. Woman: My husband uses Viagra all the time. I’m getting so worried. What can I give him? Doctor: My number.
49. Friend: Oh my god! My girlfriend is pregnant! I used a condom! I don’t get it. Me: Hey, but I didn’t….
50. Got a BIG tick? (Oh, you’re so dirty! :)