What is Anuptaphobia & Do You Have It?
Although being single is something to be proud of, there is still a large focus, even in 2020 on finding a partner to spend the rest of your life with. It can be difficult when you’re single and the people around you are finding their ‘people’, getting engaged, married and having babies. It can be difficult to swallow living a single life while this is happening. So what can you do if you fear being single? We spoke to Amanda Blaire, Relationship Coach at To Be Magnetic Coaching to tell us her story and how she overcame the fear of being single aka anuptaphobia…
The first man I ever chased was my Dad. He was inconsistent with his attention and time and thus created an anxious attachment in me. This meant I would search for the love I felt deprived of in every unavailable man I could find throughout my teens, 20s and the beginning of my 30’s. Being single felt like a death sentence because without a man, I wasn’t able to get the validation I so desperately needed. What did this look like? It looked like jumping into relationship, after relationship. Cheating on one boyfriend with a guy who would become my next and lining up the next suitor before the current relationship ended. I always had someone or multiple someone’s I was talking to and hooking up with on brief stints between relationships.
Seeing My Patterns
I was terrified to be alone. What would it mean if I wasn’t with a guy and getting his attention? If I allowed myself to be single would I see that my deepest fears about myself were true? And then after I blew up the first relationship I had with an available guy, I found myself single…. for 8 years. To be perfectly honest, the first 4 years of those years, I was running around and up to my old tricks, I wasn’t actually facing myself or truly allowing myself to face my fear of being alone. Eventually, I couldn’t hide from the conclusion that the problem wasn’t this guy or that, but it had to be a me problem. I was the common denominator. So, I got to work.
I had been in and out of therapy and knew where my trauma came from for the most part, but I couldn’t see progress in my behavior or choices until I met my mentor Lacy Phillips. Through her program – a combo of neuroscience, psychology and epigenetics that I now teach and coach my clients through – I was able to see my patterns, my low self-worth and finally do the long hard work of reprogramming and healing. It was through doing the reprogramming work that I found the love I had been missing and searching for all these years – my own.
“You’re seeking validation outside of you and that will always lead to suffering.”
I know, I know. Loving yourself sounds trite. BUT, when we have anuptaphobia it is usually because we fear that the reason why we aren’t partnered is because there is something wrong with us. I know for me, before this work, I thought being in a relationship was the only way to prove I was lovable to myself and to others. Through working on reprogramming my limiting beliefs I finally began to understand that I was lovable and worthy because I existed. Period.
If reading this story sounds like you’re listening to yourself and you’re struggling to leave a relationship that isn’t serving you out of fear you won’t find anyone else or if you’re struggling because you’ve been single for longer than you want, you’re not alone. However, getting partnered isn’t the answer. Why? You’re seeking validation outside of you and that will always lead to suffering. And when you do that, no matter who you are partnered with, it won’t be enough.
Notice What You’re Avoiding in Yourself
As a relationship coach, I hear a lot of clients lament about being single and starting this work, “When will it happen?! Why am I still single?!”. Here’s a big secret for you: why and worth is your business, but time and how is the Universe’s business. Let me break that down further, when you notice yourself getting caught up in the how a relationship (or anything) will come through because it feels impossible to meet anyone in your town or all the good ones are taken or you can’t meet anyone online, you’re in the HOW of things and that’s the Universe’s job to handle. When we start getting nosey and in the Universe’s business we are in fear and avoiding the very thing we have control over – ourselves. We will try to control things we don’t have control over; outcomes, other people and force situations to be what we think we need them to be. So, when you catch yourself getting in the Universe business, notice and begin to look at what you’re avoiding in yourself.
Being single can be such a gift if you allow it to be. I’m not saying don’t desire to be in partnership, but notice if you are thinking that getting into a partnership will be the answer for all your woes. It won’t and that mindset is putting your worth outside of you. A relationship is never the destination because again, that is saying something external will let me know I’m okay, I’m worthy, etc. A relationship is always a part of your journey and once in one, the journey doesn’t stop.
What Do You Bring to The Table?
I have a saying: make your life a full sundae and let a relationship be the cherry on top. Your fulfillment and happiness are yours to create, it’s your ice cream so to speak. Use a season of being single to look at where your wounds are and how often you operate and make choices and react from those wounds – probably often. Look at your judgements, these are unintegrated shadow aspects – parts of yourself you cut off in childhood because you or someone else was shamed for the aspect/behavior – and start to do the work on integrating them. Are you quick to point the finger? Turn that finger around and look at what you might be bringing to the table in each situation. What is your responsibility? How are you boundaries? Can you hold them or do you try to set one and can’t follow through?
The above is your life’s work and focusing on the above is how you start building out a fulfilling life, a full sundae. Being single isn’t a punishment, it’s a gift of time to focus solely on yourself and find the treasures that lay within. I promise you tuning in to yourself and falling in love with yourself will not only lead to fulfilling romantic partnership whenever you call it in, but it will also lead to your dreams coming true. It did for me!
If you’re struggling with anuptaphobia or any of the above, Amanda coaches for To Be Magnetic and does one on one work with clients.