We’re on a mission to provide an affordable channel to boost your mental health. So, each week, we’re checking in with our community to see how they’re working on their mental health and their goal towards happiness. We invited to Alysa Parlevliet, Life & Flourishing Coach, to help us with some tips and advice on coping with unhappiness and unfulfillment.
Q: “I’m in my 30s and in a job I don’t enjoy. I graduated after the financial crash and was unable to get the job I really wanted. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do.“I’m in my 30s and in a job I don’t enjoy. I graduated after the financial crash and was unable to get the job I really wanted. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do.
I suffer with a social anxiety so making friends has been really tough. I’m finding myself lonely and often I’m not met in the middle.
I’ve been in a relationship for a few years and it’s been a rollercoaster in that he didn’t tell me about his religion at the start and the implications on me. He also wants to move from the area and cause a lot of upheaval. He’s very family oriented but I’m finding things are getting one sided to his favour and I’m beginning to resent him and wonder where our future lies.
Lastly, my mum is quite overbearing and I feel that she has really high expectations. She has a really bad habit of interfering and casting her judgement which is causing problems for me and my partner. She is well meaning and I get she wants to help but she is too ready to put her opinion across and it’s causing me a lot of stress”
“In general, our work is a large part of how we spend our days, and thus our lives. Therefore, it’s very important that you feel happy at work so that you can live a happy life! Here is the thing: It’s never too late to change your career! Start by taking a moment to write down what you enjoy doing, what you are good at doing, what the world needs, and what you can get paid for. From there, try to find some overlap with all of these areas and pursue a career in that direction. If you are having a difficult time finding something that overlaps all four areas, then start by looking at something that you enjoy doing and what you can get paid for. In that way, you’ll have time to figure out what your ideal job is, while you enjoy your new work and still getting paid for it.
Next, a very good way to improve self-confidence and self-worth is by changing your beliefs about yourself using positive affirmations. Now, you don’t have to start with an extremely positive affirmation if it doesn’t feel aligned to you right now. Rather, start by writing down what beliefs you have about yourself in this moment. Then, find a ‘better feeling’ thought that you are able to accept and makes you feel better about yourself. Keep repeating this new belief to yourself. Write this affirmation down every morning as you wake up and before you go to sleep, say it a few times out loud while you’re looking in the mirror, or put it as a notification in your phone to remind you throughout the day. Once you feel fully aligned with that belief, start the whole process again by choosing a new ‘better feeling’ thought and repeating the other steps. Keep repeating this process until you’re feeling super confident in yourself. Don’t underestimate the power of your subconscious mind, this is a very powerful exercise. However, you have to be very repetitive for your subconscious mind to take the new belief on as the new “truth”, so stay consistent with this one!
Last, one of the most important parts of a relationship (either with your partner, friend, family member, or coworker) is good communication. I invite you to start a conversation in which you can express your concerns and/or expectations with the other person.
When using the non-violent communication technique described here, this will get a lot easier!
Step 1. Start by stating what you’re observing.
Step 2. Say how this makes you feel.
Step 3. State your needs, starting with “I have a need for…/I value…”.
Step 4. Ask for what you want, starting with, “Would you be willing/like to…”.
This technique works really well as you can express your needs and expectations without blaming and judging the other person so that you have a better chance at getting what you are asking for and staying calm during the conversation.” -Alysa Parlevliet, Life & Flourishing Coach
If you’re struggling with your life, reach out to Alysa via Instagram.