We’re on a mission to provide an affordable channel to boost your mental health. So, each week, we’re checking in with our community to see how they’re working on their mental health and their goal towards happiness. We invited to Kaci Mial, Sex Coach to share us some tips on how to move on from the past.
Q: “I was recently dumped by someone who was the best sex I’ve ever had, and now talking to new people I can’t seem to forget him. After a good few sexual partners to help find someone I was sexually compatible with, I feel a bit demotivated – as if I won’t find anyone who was as good as him for me. But I feel like I shouldn’t linger on the thought of him, since he pushed me out, not wanting to hurt me supposedly. What should I do?”
A: “Thank you for writing in, it is normal not to forget previous partners. Especially if it was the best sex you ever had! It sounds like you are disappointed but on the right track of trying to figure out how to move on. I encourage you to feel whatever comes up when thinking of him but once you process and reflect, allow yourself the space for new thoughts and experiences to emerge.
A common struggle is getting stuck in a “scarcity mindset”, this idea that there is only a limited amount of great sex out there or a few partners that can meet our needs. While this is understandable because of what many of us have been taught by society, the truth is that there are 7 and a half billion people on earth. It is much more likely you have the opportunity for many connections and partners in your lifetime. Pamela Madsen explains what might be considered the opposite of scarcity mindset, in terms of breaking through “pleasure ceilings”. TLDR: there is no limit on pleasure and throughout your life you may find better and better sex whether that is with yourself or a partner. There’s plenty to explore!
I would recommend you try three things.
#1 Get clear on what you like and don’t like.
What was it about this partner that made it the best sex you ever had? Try the ‘ex activity’ in Shan Boody’s book “The Game of Desire” by reaching out to him and asking the list of questions provided or write your responses in a journal. You may have learned things that will be helpful as you move forward.
#2 Translate this sexual energy into you.
Ask yourself, “How can I have the best sex I ever had with myself?” Step up your self-pleasure game by setting time aside, buy a new sex toy, try new positions to masturbate in, or change up the setting. Just like there are no pleasure ceilings with partners, there are no pleasure ceilings with our self-pleasure play either.
#3 Screen potential partners.
Communicate your likes, dislikes, and expectations prior to having sex. If someone isn’t a good match for you, save your time and move on. If you find someone close to what you want but not exactly, the amazing thing about sexual compatibility is that skills can be learned and taught. It can be fun to learn, explore, and create what you enjoy together. Good luck!” – Kaci Mial, Sex Coach