We’re on a mission to provide an affordable channel to boost your mental health. So, each week, we’re checking in with our community to see how they’re working on their mental health and their goal towards happiness. We invited toDean Blankfield, Relationship & Clarity Coach to share us some tips to cope with cyber stalking.
Q: “I fixate on men I’ve met, agonise over every detail and end up miserable and alone. I check their social media multiple times a day, even their exes if I know who they are! If I don’t hear from them I spiral into panic – I keep telling myself the whole thing is ridiculous but I manage to create a perfect picture around me with whoever I am seeing and frantically try to keep hold of them so I can keep the perfect picture alive. What should I do?”
A: “You’re not alone, most people struggle with this. When you were a baby you had needs that weren’t being met by your parents or caregivers. As a highly intelligent being you realised quickly that if you became needy you would get a response from your parents and hence you met your need for love, connection and security.
Wind the clock forward 20 years and the moment you like someone you regress developmentally. You become the child again with unmet needs and behave accordingly. This is the classic case of the Anxious or Ambivalent attachment style. Your behaviours of checking his social media and obsessing over the little details stems from a deep need that isn’t being met. This behavioural system worked for you as a child but as an adult is outdated.
In the early phases of a relationship people get turned off by needy behaviour as they do not want the responsibility of holding space for the unmet needs so early on. Not many people want to be parents for their partners.
The good news is that you can literally transform your attachment style and move from being insecure to secure.
Check out the book ‘Attached – Amir Levine’. Find a mentor who specialises in this who can guide you through this deep work to unravel the anxious behaviour. It’s extremely difficult to do this work alone.
Also, whenever you feel activated ask yourself these questions:
Who is showing up right now – the adult me or the baby me?
What is the need I am desperately trying to meet here? (by checking social media maybe, you need to know that he’s invested in you and not invested in other people)
Once you know the need, ask yourself – how can you communicate this need as an adult and not a child?” – Dean Blankfield, Relationship & Clarity Coach
If you’re struggling to find clarity in your relationship, feel free to reach out Dean via Instagram.