If you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it can sometimes feel a little ‘stale’ in the bedroom. You know everything about one another – where’s the fun in that? Actually though, sex is all about exploration, and there’s no end to what you can get up to. We spoke to Violet, a sex educator, pleasure advocate and soon to be licensed therapist. She describes herself as a “confidante for your sexual adventures”. Making the transition from facilitating sex positive workshops in schools, to now doing them at events and play parties, she has experience with creating exciting and open spaces for folks to learn, engage, and confidently move through their sexual journeys. Today, she answers some of your sex-related queries…

 

 

1. “I’ve been with my partner for quite a long time – 5 years. Our sex life is very ‘samey’ and ends the same every time. I want to spice things up but weirdly I feel embarrassed in front of him. I don’t know how to move past that. Can you help?”

 

 

Violet: Routine in a relationship becomes a tricky thing to navigate through after such a long time together with your partner. Embarrassment in front of your partner is a totally normal thing to feel when you are curious about trying something that you haven’t expressed to them. Fostering an open, non-judgmental environment is crucial for sharing wants and desire, because that can be scary sometimes when we don’t feel like our partner’s desires will align with ours. You can start this conversation a few different ways that don’t necessarily involve you coming straight out and saying “hey, I want this”.

Try showing your partner a video, or reading them a story that involves some of the things you’d like to explore with him. Follow it by asking “How did that make you feel?” or “How would you feel if I wanted to do something like that?”. Be really clear about your desires so there is no confusion. You can also divert the attention from you and open the conversation with “Hey, my friend tried this with their partner, and it turned me on so much. How would you feel about something like that?”. Fostering this open dialogue is so important when it comes to our desires, and it’s okay to feel embarrassed. Ease into it, and find your pleasure babe.

 

 

2. “My partner always wants to give me pleasure, but I only know one way – by myself. I don’t really know how to ‘get there’ with him and sometimes I think he feels a bit left out. How can I include him in my self-pleasure practice more?”

 

 

Violet: First of all, this is so common! I’ve heard people say things like “yeah I’ve had sex with x amount of people, but I usually just make myself cum”… what?! It sounds like you are very familiar with your own body, and understand how to sink into your pleasure on your own. It’s completely understandable that your partner feels left out considering you may not have shared this bit of you with him. He’s watching but he is not involved himself. This is where vulnerability comes in.

Incorporate your partner into yourself pleasure routine. When you are getting yourself off, or masturbating, open up an opportunity for him to learn more about your body, how you get yourself off, what makes you tick. Get comfortable with him watching you, playing with you, serving you, taking care of your body as you like it. The key (and arguably most difficult) part of this is learning how to receive without wanting to give in return.

 

 

3. “I love my partner, but I’m so scared we’re becoming more like brother and sister. Are there any way I can rebuild sexual tension with him to get back to how we were?”

 

 

Violet: Over time, sexual polarity can neutralise a bit and when there is neutral polarity, just like with magnets, there is no “pull” towards one another. The first thing that would be beneficial here would be to open up a dialogue about how you are feeling, because odds are, your partner is feeling the same way.

Start off by sharing appreciation for the relationship that you currently have, then share something that you’d like to build upon for the future, and work on action steps on how you can do that together. If the only thing that gets you turned on these days is the thought of being chained up, then tell your partner that that I what you need in order to create that strong pull once again. Create intentions with one another to work towards a mutual goal. You got this!

 

You can contact Violet via Instagram or her website.

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