We’re on a mission to provide an affordable channel to boost your mental health. So, each week, we’re checking in with our community to see how they’re working on their mental health and their goal towards happiness. We invited toAmanda Blair, Relationship Coach to share us some ways to deal with dating progression.
Q: “I met this guy recently and we’re into each other. We’re both terrified of relationships but can’t ignore the signs that we’re perfect for one another. The problem is he is very busy and I’m jobless and unmotivated at the moment. What do I do to keep him interested and progress with dating? Also, we had sex the other day and I think his interest has peaked. Like, how do I get the interest back up again?”
A: “I am so glad you wrote in because this is a common question I get from new and perspective clients— how do I keep someone interested in me? What I always tell them is a better question is,” why do I think I need to try to keep someone interested?!”
First let’s dig into the beginning of this question— “we are both terrified of relationships but we are really into each other”, then at the end you think his attention peaked after sex. When someone is really into you, getting intimate will only deepen their feelings and attraction to you! If it wanes after sex, they were never really in it for the long haul.
Second, I would be remiss if I didn’t bring up attachment styles. I don’t know you or your background enough to determine what your attachment style may be, but I will say a common thread among those of us with anxious attachment ask the question you’re asking— how do I keep this person interested in me?! The reason a person with anxious attachment will ask this question is they don’t feel worthy of love and think they have to perform, be someone else to get it. However, we do not have to be anyone but ourselves to be loved. We have to do the work to get so strong in our self-worth so we can see that.
I don’t think the problem is you being unmotivated. I think the underlying issue here is you don’t feel fully worthy of love! If this guy is a right fit, he will let you know and there will be no questions or doubts. There will be ease! If it was hot, heavy and super speed in the beginning where he was “love-bombing” you and now has pulled back— more than likely he’s unavailable for a relationship and instead more interested in the “high” of a trauma bond and interested in a more casual affair. You didn’t do anything wrong to make him pull away either! When we rush into relationships, we usually rush right past the red flags too.
So, here’s my advice— I want you to focus on you. You describe yourself as unmotivated. No matter if you were the most motivated women in the Universe, it isn’t going to change this dudes “interest” because YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PERFORM to be loved! So, if the guy pulls away, be straight forward, tell him how you feel and you’re wanting a relationship and ask what he thinks. If there is any other answer than, “I feel the same and yes, let’s move forward!” Walk away! Then start pulling your focus back in and start to do the work around why you feel you need to be different or “better” to get someone’s interest. Dig into building yourself worth. Find your passion and purpose, FOR YOU.
It’s really easy to get caught up in another person making our lives full and fulfilled. We can trick ourselves into thinking I’ll be happy when I get the relationship, the job, the raise, etc. However, that’s putting your worth on the outside, when you’re worth belongs in. Your job is to create a life that fulfills you and create your own happiness. Get to work creating a life that fills you up to the very brim so you won’t settle for anything less than what you deserve!” – Amanda Blair, Relationship Coach
If you’re struggling with your love life, feel free to contact Amanda via Instagram.