We’re on a mission to provide an affordable channel to boost your mental health. So, each week, we’re checking in with our community to see how they’re working on their mental health and their goal towards happiness. We invited toMonica Kovacs, Sacred Sexuality & Embodiment Coach, to share us some tips on how to boost our sex drive.
Q: “I feel that I have a higher sex drive when I’m not in a relationship. Now I’m in a relationship my sex drive is so much lower and I don’t know why. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Why am I experiencing this?”
A: “This is such a great question and comes up so often in my practice.
When people find themselves not desiring sex as much as they think they “should”, there’s always a few questions I like to ask:
What are some of the factors that are different for you outside a relationship vs in a relationship? Is your higher sex drive outside of relationship measured by more solo sex or casual partnered sex? And what is it that shifts for you when you enter into relationship territory?
As humans, our sexuality is complex and deeply intertwined with our emotions and nervous system. If something isn’t aligned emotionally, our bodies will respond accordingly.
It is possible that relationships introduce a level of emotional vulnerability that cause your sexuality to shut down. Relationships can trigger all of our fears and demons, and with all that intensity it may be easier to disconnect.
Another possibility is that your relationships bring too much comfort and familiarity for you to sustain desire. Attraction is fuelled by distance and uncertainty. Once we get comfortable and settled in our relationships, it can be easy to get too close and lose that initial interest in each other.
Here are three tips I recommend for working with either of the above scenarios:
1) Stay present
Being in the present moment is one of the core tenets of Tantra, and helps couples overcome so many obstacles. Be present with yourself by noticing how you feel without judgement or reaction. If you lack desire, simply observe that without making it wrong. Be present with your partner by dropping all stories and assumptions you hold about them, and act as if you are meeting them for the first time. See what you can discover.
2) Mindful Masturbation
Have an ongoing, non-goal-oriented, mindful self-pleasure practice. This means regularly taking time to get into your body for the sake of being in pleasure and exploring new things with yourself. Orgasm is optional. This encourages you to stay curious and keep learning about yourself, which will ultimately benefit your relationship as well.
3) Communicate about sex
Share with your partner some of the things you enjoy sexually and would like to try with them. Invite them to share back. Communicating clearly and compassionately about your desires, and how and where you like to be touched will help you become better lovers for each other.” – Monica Kovacs, Sacred Sexuality & Embodiment Coach